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We Don't Go to Ravenholm

“Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.” -Charles Bukowski

I don't readily accept advice from my parents, teachers, or anyone with any personal ties to me. I tend to draw advice strictly from alcoholics, bums, and other morally dubious people - in other words, authors. They seem somehow less jaded - more pure-hearted. Following this reasoning, it's hard to put any story to this little snippet of advice, other than this: I read it [and in no particularly meaningful context]. Anyhow, the profundity of this seemingly obtuse statement is easily overlooked. Sex, in this case, is a metaphor for the luxuries of life - the things we can live without, but would [much] rather not. Excretion symbolizes the essentials of life - food, shelter, and clothing. Living in a paradise of iPods, Gucci sunglasses, Prada shoes, microwave ovens [don't watch the food cook], solid gold Kama Sutra coffee pots, Starbucks triple lattés and laptops that come in the 'flavors' of every imaginable fruit, it's easy to take for granted what we have always thought of as the basics that every human starts out with. We, metaphorically speaking, start off in the Eastern Plaguelands while other countries have to start off in Northshire Valley. We have everything we need to sustain happy, auspicious lives, but we don't see that until we're already caught in that web of luxuries from which there is no escape. We envy what others have, and end up no happier in the ensuing pursuit of these indulgences.

Such is how the storybook of my life begins...

It all began when I was 3 years old. I was extremely intelligent and perceptive for my age. At least, I think I was. Upon the 214th day of my 3rd year of existence, I spotted the most delectable pair of Spiderman shoes upon which my eyes had ever had the delight of gazing. Whenever these undeserving pair of small feet managed to take a step [more of a stumble, to be more precise], the red LEDs injected into the soles would light up, sparking the same reaction on my heavenly face. I was in a state of celestial bliss. I had to have them. And the next day, following roughly 3 hours of begging, pleading, and human sacrifice, I did. That day, the 946th day of my life, my whole world turned upside down.

In the last 5,246 days of my life, I have not yet managed to find my way back to that blessèd path of childish ignorance. I'm forever stuck on the road of avarice and unhealthy greed. Knowing what's out there, I now lust for the things I will never have. Such is why happiness is no longer plausible. I'm up to my ears in excrement, but the only thing which holds any meaning in my life is the sex I can't have.

Learning to appreciate what we have is a skill very few possess. The lucky ones have it, but me - I'll die before I ever learn it.

Life is a big pile of fecal matter. Learn to appreciate it before you're caught in the vortex of greed that can only suck you in further as your life plays out.

Life Like Weeds

Five things that I shall do before I die:

1. Procreate

2. Explore foreign cultures

3. Live with Buddhist monks

4. Create my own religion

5. Create something that will last forever (e.g. the piano key necktie)

I firmly believe that life is, in itself, entirely void of any discernible meaning. However, if we were to have enough information constantly stimulating our brains, it could be possible for this ultimate truth to escape us long enough for the illusion that our lives have some kind of value to sink in. By creating an environment in which there is no time for contemplative reflection, such truths would have no time to cloud or minds and we could live joyfully in such an illusion.

Number one on my list had to be having kids, for reasons far beyond the supposèd joy that they would bring to my life. The real reason this is so important is that kids constantly demand attention and fog your judgment. Children are obnoxious and annoying, but when you have some of your own, they make you feel a little bit less obnoxious and annoying yourself and take up enough of your time to stop you from thinking about legitimate issues that face you. There is also a feeling of fulfillment, as if you've done something meaningful. Truth be told, you're really just bringing other human beings into a world of pain and sorrow, but this overwhelming feeling fogs your judgment just enough that the perceived good that you've done seems powerful. Kids are also a good outlet for anger. Society would benefit from my procreation in that my fury would no longer have need to be released on the undeserving public.

When the children are grown up and I don't have to deal with them anymore, it would seem like a good time to begin exploring other cultures. We all live in a predominantly Judeo-Christian society in which we all share similar views, opinions, and prejudices. Prejudice is such an awesome, powerful thing, but this force seems watered down when everyone else shares the same prejudice. I plan to explore Europe and eastern Asia to experience life from a different viewpoint and gain a new perspective on life. Taking bits and pieces of different cultures, I will learn to think in new ways and come up with ideas that simply wouldn't have occurred to me. My powerful ideas are enough to vastly change the Western perspective.

Along the road as I travel, I want to spend a year living in a village of Buddhist monks. Bald people are awesome, but their coolness factor gets magnified exponentially when they're all look-alike Asian clones who chant incoherently. In this window of time, I will sit under a tree in reflection. This is seemingly contradictory to my outlook on my life, but perhaps I should explain further. Until I reach enlightenment, I will sit unerringly under a tree contemplating the meaning of string. I will give no thought to the bigger issues that face us – only string. My father always told me, “When you understand string, you can understand anything.” Word, dad. String is key in understanding, much as understanding is key in moving forward.

Religion can be a very powerful control mechanism. Such is the reason for which I would like to create one of my own. My minions would carry out my every command. I would be like the pope. Maybe they'd call me “Battle-Pope”. My religion would be based on the principle of belief in non-belief. Such a paradox would suck the whole of the human population into a 4^th dimension vortex, thereby ending the world as we know it. Perhaps that's a lofty goal. If I do have the power to change a person's perspective on the world, though, that's enough for me. Every conflict that arises in life is, in retrospect, a matter of perspective. Perspective is everything.

Many people have done note-worthy things, like Eli Whitney with his cotton gin. But we don't think of him on a daily basis as we adorn our bodies with cotton garments. However, each time we see that infamous piano key necktie, we think of that guy who came up with it – what was his name? That's beside the point. If I could create or invent something that would ensure my long-lasting legacy, that would be stellar. People like me can change the world if we want to (but generally we don't).

Experience is the key to understanding and progressing. Living eternally in the illusion that our lives are worth something, we can ultimately take perceptible steps toward change. I don't really benefit from the existence of others, but I like to think that others benefit from my existence.

ALL HAIL NIFLHEIM

Enjoy. \m/